When You Don't Like God's Answer
I'm sitting here at my in-laws house, where our family of 6 + our cat have now lived for 3 weeks with 3 other adults + their cats. Good thing it is a big house!
It isn't so bad, really. I am blessed with amazing family on all sides. Our strategy to move out of our 3 bedroom home so we could sell fast without having to keep it clean (which, is impossible with 4 young kids) or rush out for showing worked well and we were under contract within days. Days! God is so good.
But now the hard part is here for me. The house hunting. Sure, it seems exciting. Peeking in people's windows when it looks like no one lives there any more. Taking tours. Admiring countertops and landscaping, mentally moving our stuff into place, and dreaming of wall colors. And then you fall in love. Like, it could be the one. It's perfect. The dreamy kitchen with granite, dark wood floors, walls already your ideal paint color, enough bedrooms and space to grow. Fenced in yard. You know that feeling when your heart dives in before logic can catch up? When you're ready to sign on the line before thinking it through. That.
And then answer is no. The maybe-perfect home is a no. We don't get the house.
Cue the adult tantrum.
And now...I am being like my children when I say "no" to them out of their best interest.
"But I'll NEVER find that again. It will NEVER happen. It will take FOREVER."
Real life quotes from my 4 year old that I hear almost daily, which my internal dialogue has now adapted and has on repeat.
I remember this all too well with buying our last home. The roller coaster. There are such HIGH high and low lows. I kind of hate it, no matter how exciting it is to dream and explore. I just want to see the big picture. I want to get settled and create projects. I want to know that these boxes will get unpacked someday soon. I know God has a plan, I know He is sovereign. But, but, but. It sucks not getting our way.
I'm trying to remind myself, just as I remind my children, that God wants the best for us. My husband wants the best for us. And while one home looked perfect, it wasn't for mean to be ours. We have prayed diligently through this buying and selling process and what a bonding experience it has been for my husband and I. Doors have been swung open at times, such as with selling our home so fast, and doors shut in our faces after praying for a clear answer on how to move forward. I have peace about it all, I do, but I still have my moments of adult tantrums in the initial moments of news or decisions. I feel anxious wondering where we will end up and when. How will it all work out?
Still, I am reminded of the many times in the past that God has done just as He promised. Like in choosing adoption for Anna, I really did not like His answer then! The peace I felt surrendering my desires though and accepting His answer, while letting go of what I thought was best has yielded to a redeemed life and a beautiful relationship with her. Or, Sadie's birth 8 months ago (yes, EIGHT! Time flies. I love her.) when I felt a similar angst as I waited for her arrival in a situation I couldn't quite grasp. I didn't see the big picture then, but I trusted God to see it. And He did. Oh, how He made the experience beyond what I could imagine, meeting every need and desire while being ever-so-present in the process. So that is what I am clinging to right now. His promises. I know He has promised us a home and I know He is working out all the details to meet our needs. I love that He knows our needs deeper than we even do.
I know I can trust Him for His answer, His timing, His YES...just as my kids can trust mine.
And so...we wait.