I Don't Deserve This
I sit here, 12 years since making my choice in Jesus and in adoption...
The Lord is good, y'all. He takes our ugliness and refines us into something new. He calls us to do His will and gives us strength then to do it.
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve the relationship I have with my birth daughter and her family. I don't deserve this home I am in, the husband that adores me, and the children that call me mom and constantly wanting to hug my leg. The jobs and opportunities that fall into my lap. I am a sinner. I made mistakes as a teen. Big ones. Ones that brought depression and changed not only my life, but the people around me as well. I still do. I fail. I stumble. I cry. I get grumpy and say stupid things. I yell at my kids. I push people away. (Just don't let me get hangry...)
But today I sit here not feeling that guilt and shame like I used to, instead I sit here in awe of how God has used those dark days for His glory. He has made me new. And with it, a new purpose. Through writing, through speaking, through friendships and strangers...He has written this story in my life to bring Him glory. That is why I do what I do. That is why I write and bare my soul. That is why I do things like public speaking or filming that make me want to run and hide, wondering "Why did I agree to this?" because it takes me so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I am in outer space without air. But, still knowing He would be my strength to do what He asked, just as He did before.
The grace God extends still brings me to my knees and to tears 12 years after choosing Him and His path. He loves us so much, guys. I wish I could make everyone feel the same depth of love that He washes over me because I choose to let Him. I remember when I was 15, a year before becoming pregnant, watching people worship God at The Harvest Crusade with a passion and obvious love for the Lord. They felt His presence and love...I watched them wishing I could have that. The door to my heart was being knocked on. It took a while longer and for me to hit the lows of lows, when all I had left was Jesus to turn to, but I finally cracked open that door to answer.
Crack open that door. He's knocking. Ask Him to show you His love for you. I promise the peace will surprise you, too. Let Him bind your heart to His forever, with the grace He extends. I don't deserve this love. You don't either.
But He gives it freely anyway.